Monday Joke

[Muksy]

A Red head, brunette and blonde were convicted to death.

The officer calls to the red haired, "your up". The officer gets out the rifle.
1,2 then she yells out tornado then everybody looks and she escapes.

The officer calls to the brunette, "your up". The officer gets out the rifle.
1,2 then she yells out landslide, everybody looks and she escapes.

Then the officer calls up the blonde. She walks up and the officer takes aim. 1,2....Fire!! she yells out and gets shot.


A really hot striper is dancing and everybody slapping money to her ass. A man walks in takes out his credit card, swipes it in the crack, takes the money and walks out.

 

[sn33ky23q]

BABABABABABA MUSKY about the stripper lol

i noe 1 but its racist but i dont think anyone will take it to heart

what do u cal aboes in a elevator?
a box of chocolates lol

 

[unitrider08]

lol good 1 musky with the strippers why dont blondes like vibrators

they chip there teeth!

 

[Cactus Jack]

The Jackaroo ...

A Queensland jackaroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Jackaroo.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Jackaroo says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackaroo.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the jackaroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows .. this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.'

 

[Cactus Jack]

Group Therapy ...

'A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second mother, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third mother, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol.This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Willy from school and go get dinner.' '

 

[Cactus Jack]

Two Old Men Decide They Are Close To Their Last Days And Decide To Have A Last Night On The Town. After A Few Drinks, They End Up At The Local Brothel ...

The Madam Takes One Look At The Two Old Geezers And Whispers To Her Manager, 'go Up To The First Two Bedrooms And Put An Inflated Doll In Each Bed. These Two Are So Old And Drunk, I'm Not Wasting Two Of My Girls On Them. They Won't Know The Difference.'

The Manager Does As He Is Told And The Two Old Men Go Upstairs And Take Care Of Their Business.

As They Are Walking Home The First Man Says, 'you Know, I Think My Girl Was Dead!'

'dead?' Says His Friend, 'why Do You Say That?'

'well, She Never Moved Or Made A Sound All The Time I Was Loving Her.'

His Friend Says, 'could Be Worse I Think Mine Was A Witch.'

'a Witch ??. . Why The Hell Would You Say That?'

'well, I Was Making Love To Her, Kissing Her On The Neck, And I Gave Her A Little Bite, Then She Farted And Flew Out The Window.... Took My Teeth With Her!'

 

[Cactus Jack]

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon her arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'



Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'

St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his Billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...

 

[liljohn_92]

Jonny is seven years old and unlike any other boys his age rather curious.
He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys,and he wondered
what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.
Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the
curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.

This he did.
The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights

Then he started kissing and hugging her so I figured 'Sis must
be getting sick, because her face started looking funny.
He must have thought so too, because he put his
hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

I guess he was getting sick too,
because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.
His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.
bout this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan
and sigh and squirm around and slide down towards the end of the couch.
This was when her fever started.
I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.
a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow.
It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 10 inches long,
honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes
got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that.
She said it
was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!

Anyway Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. The eel spit on her face a little bit and then, All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top
of the eel.

The eel put up a hell of a
fight.

Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch.
I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh.
Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel.
I knew because it just hung there, limp,and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway.
He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something.
This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it.

After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel.
I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

 

[jarrah140]

**SNORING ****
A couple has a dog that snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.



The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!' she says.



A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the

Dog’s testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.

He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him.



So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.



In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.



He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't know where we were .... or what we did.



But we took first and second place!!

 

[Cactus Jack]

Dead people get no respect:‏

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and s says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'


'So I just switched the heads.'

 

[I_THUMP]

The Priest and his cock

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?? Half the women stood up !

"No, no, no, what I'm trying to say is, has anybody seen MY cock?"

Sixteen altar boys and two priests stood up.

 

[sn33ky23q]

i got a pretty lame joke but meh ill say it lol

whats white and cant climb a tree?



a washing machine


whats blue and fluffy?


blue fluff

 

[Cactus Jack]

An Indian, an Arab, and a hot gorgeous blonde girl are in the same bar.

When the Indian finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air,
pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In India , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air,
pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to
drink with the same one twice either.'

The blonde girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, Downs it in one gulp,
throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Indian and the Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In Australia we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'