Monday Joke

[Cactus Jack]

Truck Stop !

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want
three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards,"

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to
the kitchen and said to the cook,
"This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a
pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices
of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards you might as well gas up !"

 

[crazeemomma]

LMAO!! Absolute classic that one

will have to find a good one to post

 

[dirttau]

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

 

[Cactus Jack]

Correct spelling is extremely important and mistakes can totally change or take the focus OFF the meaning of the message you are trying to get across ........

I'm sure everyone's heard of the dyslexic devil worshipper ???????

....... who sold his soul to ........ SANTA .........

 

[cass38a]

What do you call a lebanese guy in Hospital.......................
Fully Sick.

 

[Cactus Jack]

Similar thoughts ......

On one side of the world a nervous old stunt man is walking cautiously across a tight rope strung between two skyscrapers ..........

On the other side of the world a nervous young man is getting a blow job off a 90 year old woman ..........

What are they BOTH thinking ???????

 

[Cactus Jack]

Don't ......... Loooooookkkkk.............dowwwwwnnnnnnnn !!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[coolmodee01]

What do you call a lebanese guy in Hospital.......................
Fully Sick.

q. what do you call a leb on the moon?
a. a problem

q. what do you call 10 lebs on the moon?
a. a bigger problem

q. what do you call 100 lebs on the moon?
a. an even bigger problem

q. what do you call all the lebs on the moon?
a, problem solved

sorry guys i'm not racist just politically incorrect

 

[cass38a]

A 93 year old man goes to see his doctor for his annual check up, the doctor asks him how he has been keeping for the past year and the old man replies. "since my last check up I have met and married a 20 year old model and she is now pregnant. What do you tink about that?"

The doctor replies

"another one of my patients was walking down by the river and he saw the best looking beaver he had ever seen, he didnt have his gun so he raised his walking stick and held it like his rifle, aimed and went bang. As soon as he did this the prime beaver fell and died. What do you think about that"

The old man replied "I think somebody else must have fired a few rounds into that beaver"

and the doctor said "yeah thats what I recon"

 

[m0p]

what long hard and full of seamen?








a submarine

 

[Bloodlet]

What the difference between a QLD wedding and a QLD funeral?

One less drunk.


A blonde walks into an appliance store and asks the owner if she can buy this TV. The man replies "no sorry we dont sell to blondes."
So the blonde goes away and dyes her hair and changes her clothers. She returns to the store and again asks the owner if she can buy this TV.
The man replies "no sorry we dont sell to blondes."
The woman says "how did u know i was a blonde?"
The man replies "Because thats a microwave not a TV."

 

[dirttau]

9 Things I Hate


1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? I'm gonna Kick their ass!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the movies and stare at the fucking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya bitch?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it?
If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!!
What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, fuckin' dumb ass?

 

[Cactus Jack]

8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!!

What can you do that's longer?

Lie DEAD still for an eternity hoping for a second chance at life .... the Egyptian mummies have proven to be be pretty good at it ........

 

[dirttau]

An ugly biker walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!
We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...Never found the head."

 

[Cactus Jack]

An ugly biker walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!
We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...Never found the head."

Yuk , mate ...... he must have indulged in NECKROFILLIA .

 

[$heepy]

a blonde, a red head and a brunette were sitting at a café. The red head said "i was looking through my daughters drawer and i found a packet of cigarettes, i cant believe my daughter smokes", the brunette says "i was looking through my daughters drawer and i found a bottle of whisky, i cant believe my daughter drinks", then the blonde says "i was looking through my daughters drawer and i found a pack of condoms, i cant believe my daughter has a penis!"

 

[dirttau]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl named Mary stopped beside him on her new shiny bike.

"Nice bike" the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

 

[Cactus Jack]

For dyslexic people only !

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,

it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

 

[Cactus Jack]

Pat's Last Day.....

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift check for $500.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?" "Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you". "I asked him what to give you". He said, "F*ck him. Give him five bucks and send him on his way ."
She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

 

[dirttau]

An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

"Sure", Says the Englishman.

The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

The englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".