mickkcim
Member
Q.What has a bottom at its top?
A. A leg.
A. A leg.
Official "jokes" thread.
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mickkcim
Member
A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”
“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”
“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”
“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”
“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
9 Deadly Words used by a Woman.
1) Fine
This is the word women use to end an arument when they are right and you need to shut up!!.
2) Five minutes
If she is getting dressed, this means a 1/2 hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3) Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. ( fine refer to #1)
4)Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission.Don't Do it!!
5) Loud Sigh
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about Nothng (refer back to #3 for meaning of nothing.)
6) That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake..
7)Thanks
A Woman is thanking you, Do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (Want to add in a clause here - this is true, Unless she says 'Thanks a Lot' - that is PURE sarcasum and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ' you're welcome'. thats will bring on a ''whatever''
8) Whatever
Is a women's way of saying STUFF YOU!.
9) Don't worry about it, I got it.
Anther dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ''Whats wrong?" For the women's response refer to #3
1) Fine
This is the word women use to end an arument when they are right and you need to shut up!!.
2) Five minutes
If she is getting dressed, this means a 1/2 hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3) Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. ( fine refer to #1)
4)Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission.Don't Do it!!
5) Loud Sigh
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about Nothng (refer back to #3 for meaning of nothing.)
6) That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake..
7)Thanks
A Woman is thanking you, Do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (Want to add in a clause here - this is true, Unless she says 'Thanks a Lot' - that is PURE sarcasum and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ' you're welcome'. thats will bring on a ''whatever''
8) Whatever
Is a women's way of saying STUFF YOU!.
9) Don't worry about it, I got it.
Anther dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ''Whats wrong?" For the women's response refer to #3
Cordogs
Well-Known Member
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead cats?
...... I don't have a Ferrari in my garage!
...... I don't have a Ferrari in my garage!
Cordogs
Well-Known Member
What's the fastest way to a mans heart??
Chuck Norrises fist
Chuck Norrises fist
Cordogs
Well-Known Member
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door!
Cordogs
Well-Known Member
Bump!
Anyone got any decent ones?
Anyone got any decent ones?
Cordogs
Well-Known Member
Chuck Norris counted to infinity.
Twice!
Twice!
davespitty
Well-Known Member
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
davespitty
Well-Known Member
you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
Cordogs
Well-Known Member
Chuck Norris can win a game of connect four in three moves!
davespitty
Well-Known Member
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Cordogs
Well-Known Member
Do you know why there's more chuck Norris jokes than Bruce Lee?
Because Bruce Lee is no joke!
Because Bruce Lee is no joke!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was Looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
Of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you f--ing retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
Of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you f--ing retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
