Official "jokes" thread.

[waddle090]

these were better when they were short and revolving around chuck norris, who am i kidding, everything "revolves" around chuck norris, for he is the center of the universe, and the universe itself.

 

[fat80y]

My china will never brake and last forever....

 

[Skylar]

They said pigs would fly if there was an African American in the White House.

100 days after Obama's inauguration.......... swine flu.

 

[coolmodee01]

you just keep ya swine flu on your side of the river thanks

 

[sand bike boy]

How du you know when its bed time at Micheal Jacksons house???


When the big hand touches the little hand!!

 

[Shearer]

-Watts big red n eats rocks....? A big red rock eatr
-watts pink n fluffy...? pink fluff
dumb but simple quick jokes funny

 

[Cactus Jack]

THE GOLDEN YEARS ...

I cannot see ...

I cannot pee ...

I cannot chew ...

I cannot screw ...

"Oh my GOD ! ... What CAN I DO ??? ...

My memory shrinks ...

My hearing stinks ...

No sense of smell ...

I look like hell ...

My mood is BAD ... can't you tell ? ...

My body's drooping ...

Have trouble pooping ...

The Golden Years have come at last ...

The Golden Years can KISS MY ASS !!!!!!!

 

[headsmess]

^^^^^^lol^^^^^^

what starts on four legs, goes to two legs and ends up on 3 legs?

*gets depressed*

 

[Cactus Jack]

Jake the peg ? ... John Holmes ? ...

 

[ando]

General RULES for Aussie Males:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home.
DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with both your hands.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's own ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodourant isn't a waste of money.
3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as they detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING:
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st date.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie's ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS:
1. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the pig's in sight.
2. When approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. Don't burn rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.
5. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.

 

[I_THUMP]

Nicholas escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, guns or whatever. Inside he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowners wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, This guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll Kill us both.Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He Was Whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I Told him it was in the bathroom.Be strong honey. I love you too.
**************

 

[Cactus Jack]

A Senior Love Story ...

Sarah and Bill , both 91 lived in a retirement village . They met in the social centre and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company ...

After several weeks of meeting for coffee , Bill asked Sarah out for dinner and much to his delight , she accepted ...

They had a lovely evening . They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town and Bill gave Sarah a gift to show his affection . Despite his age , Bill was still a charmer ...

Afterward , Bill asked Sarah to join him at his place for an after dinner drink . Things continued along a natural course and with age being no inhibitor , Sarah soon joined Bill for a most enjoyable roll in the hay ...

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd just shared , each was lost for a time in their own thoughts ...

Bill was thinking ... "If I'd have known she was a VIRGIN ... I'd have been more gentle" ...

Sarah was thinking ... "If I'd have known he could DO it ... I'd have taken off my panty hose "...

 

[wogtaz ryder]

Ahahahahaha Classiccc

Chuck Norris Isnt hung like a Horse!!!!

Horses are Hung Like Chuck Norris

 

[dhz140cc]

did you hear they let matty johns was let off the rape alligations?? yeah, because the girl wasnt aware of the interchange rule hahahaaha..

 

[bulldog93]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

hahahahaha

Nicholas escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, guns or whatever. Inside he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowners wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

'Listen, This guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll Kill us both.Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He Was Whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I Told him it was in the bathroom.Be strong honey. I love you too.
**************

wtf?? THUMP what happened here i found this on page3

 

[Cactus Jack]

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

 

[sand bike boy]

What begins with 'F' and ends with 'UCK' and every little boy wants one?


Get your mind outta the gutta boys its only a 'Fire Truck'

 

[unitrider08]

what do ucall the useless skin around a chicks poonani




a women


a drunk told me that 1

 

[Shearer]

Wat do u call a dog with no legs.... Call him watt u like he wount come to you

Where do u find a dog with no legs... right where you left him

 

[BradZ_09]

Probably gunna cop it for this buuttt...

Whats blue and white and stands in the middle of the road??

A fridge wearing jeans. =)

lol wtf.