I ended up just reading this thread start to finish. It's amazing that out of all the forums I am on or have been on this is the first open discussion on this sort of thing. I was somewhat inspired to write about my past and present, while it isn't a Disney story and some may see it as a 'you made your own bed' and self inflicted ill do my best to show how I believe at best I was only responsible for 70% of what I live with every day.
I grew up in a good family, we luckily had a bit of money due to a successful family business although did live fairly modest. We were brought up right without being spoonfed and taught rights from wrongs, even if that was enforced with a belting. It wasn't until I was a lot older that I pieced some things together but I won't elaborate now.
Aside from home went to good schools, had lots of friends, played sports etc etc. normal life I suppose. I was a bit of a ratbag as a youngun though, had a heap of tests done they thought I had ADD and went to a psych only to be given the all clear. Never had an issue socializing, got the girls, in the popular group blah blah blah...
Move forward some years and got into the drink, shagging etc and still seemed to be a normal life. Smoked a bit of pot, worked, went out and had a long term gf who I lived with. Spent money on cars an all the fun stuff, and then by a strange event found myself in possession of a bag of pills. That seemed to open a new world to me, new friends, activities, money.....and opened a lot of doors. I still worked full time but found myself in a parallel life Thursday to Sunday and then when I did the maths and with the right connections would finish work and do 'night shift'. So after 4yrs of solid using, buying, selling, trading, being awake too long etc etc I got to the point where this just was not a sustainable lifestyle, people were getting caught, people narking, distrust of close friends and a previous charge fought vigorously and cleared didn't help. So I walked away with the help of a friend that mistakenly turned into a gf.
So things were good, was managing a landscape supplies yard and had good money coming in, had an 'emergency fund' and kept all the toys and good things to keep a good lifestyle. My gf ended up being a psychopathic nutjob and caused me ridiculous amount of grief, mentally & financially.
So here I am writing this, over the years I have had about a dozen hospital visits with severe chest pains which are still undiagnosed. Also on occasion get unbearable abdominal pains, twitches and can't keep still. For a period of time I had issues with perception, I struggled to rationalize with myself that friends/family/work colleagues were being upfront with me and didn't have other agendas.
In the last 6yrs I have sorted most of my issues out. I stopped being overly obsessed with work, moved back in with friends, got a good social life back, back to being outdoors etc etc. Moved to Victoria from Qld after meeting my partner through the car club we are both involved in, shortly after we had a little girl an along with her two boys have a good little family. During the time my partner picked up on my anxiety and suggested that I go speak to a doctor and to get a diagnosis with a psych. I to that point didn't realize it plus no one around me had said anything prior to then. It was good to do that as it gave some reasoning medically and mentally to how I have been for a while. I didn't want to go on medication as I did not wish to become dependent on something although I didn't find the methodology of the psych to suit me. I started on SSRIs in low dose to see how I reacted, for a month I was up and down like a yoyo, and was not enjoyable for myself and the family however we pressed through. The SSRIs are a catch 22, they are a manipulator of the mind and in some instances are a falsifier to what's going on around you emotionally and then the other side is they actually do help with daily life. I've noticed vast amounts of positive change. I am on 200mg of Zoloft daily, and am comfortable adjusting dosage if required. I have tried a couple of others with mixed results, notably making me want to sleep within an hour of taking and then drowsy so was dangerous driving/operating cars & plant.
However all is not rosy, I am a project manager and am susceptible to ludicrous stress levels and last Tuesday night I had an episode where my missus & kids came home to find me on the floor in the lounge, incoherent, breathing erratically and eyes rolling in my head.... I had burnt out. Come Wednesday morning aside from a headache and waking up on the lounge I had no idea what had happened the night before. Bit scary after 4yrs of no attacks and no signs of it coming on (used to get chest pain and epic fever before blackouts). In light of that I have actually resigned and will be taking a supervisor role back on building sites, responsibility of people but also not having to answer to a board of directors on what revenue is going where, why, who, how & when and being resolved of keeping subcontractors & customers in line..
So that's me in simplified text, I could probably write a book on things but I am open to questions and answers and an ear to anyone who needs to vent, talk **** or cry (believe me it does happen and 99% of the time you have nfi why you are).....
Cheers, Ash
